Skills for boys

I haven't posted much because of life with a toddler. I trust you know what I mean. I don't want to complain because he is an amazing toddler, but these days seem to be requiring more patience from me than I know how to give.  Mostly my plan is to be home with him awake as little as possible. Is that a good parenting strategy? I have no idea.

One challenge is that Greg is to the age where he is delightful to be around if you can pay attention to him.  And by delightful I mean he's funny and informed and says great stuff and can concentrate on projects and talks to you about things that are on topic. If you can't pay attention to him he notices and it hurts him very much.  You can tell when he feels he's being ignored by his subtle tactic of running straight for you and not stopping. I feel like having boys is teaching me about playing sports.  I remember in middle school I was being taught about cutting someone off in basketball.  I was horrible at it and what's more I didn't get it.  Now that I have to try to keep Lee away from all sorts of inappropriate things using just my body at times I've gotten quite good at cutting him off at the pass.

In fact just last Sunday during Stake Conference, which I went to, but find a special sort of torture for the parents of the young. I spent five minutes blocking Lee from escape with nothing but one foot.  He kept climbing over it,  but by the time he stood up my foot was right in front of him again. See blocking.

Also I am good at dodging.  When Greg's kamikaze run starts across the room I have found I'm pretty good at waiting until just the right moment to side step.  Then you put one hand out and direct him to the ground. This is quite effective and sounds a lot like what my daddy probably taught his young football players.  I would know if I had ever paid attention, but I was always too busy with just about anything else. It still shocks me that my sister and I spent so much time in our childhood around football and I did not glean much from it.

Ooh, now I'm on a roll with this theme.  You know what else I've become good at. Diapering a toddler that doesn't want it.  They are squirmy and strong and they kick.  I feel like I'm wrestling a pig. Surely my skills in this arena could translate to some sport, but again I am showing my lack of knowledge because I have no idea what sport that would be.

A post about chores

Yesterday I spent the day starting the switch over from summer to winter. I put this off because it mostly involves a lot of climbing the ladder to our attic.  The ladder is too short. So once you get the box up there you have to do a gymnastic move to hoist yourself in every single time.  Plus also going into the attic is dangerous when there isn't another adult around.

That reminds me of the time I had to go into the attic recently.  Lee was playing in the garage with a big bag of flashlights so I figured I had a few seconds and if I made it quick I'd be ok.  I was up there I swear for thirty seconds and when I turned to go down Lee had climbed to the top of the ladder and was stuck.  I mean the very top too. I was stuck in the attic because the top of the ladder is the landing spot for the gymnastics you have to do to get down from the attic.  I was up there thinking when Lee started to try to get himself down from the ladder. Terrifying.  Scary enough that I had the motivation to lower myself with the strength of my arms inch by inch around Lee and get my footing without knocking him. Then I carried him down myself.  That child is part monkey.

So despite my monkey boy I figured it was time to start. Plus also Greg was cold and wanted a coat. I started by picking up all the garbage in the back yard.  While I was at it I scooped dog poop up from the back yard. The kids were starting to step in it so I figured there was too much out there.  Hoo boy was that a big task. After that it was time to start shuttling old clothing around. Charlotte and Greg had clothing go into the attic in several different bins and all the outside winter clothing came down was sorted and some went back up. Turns out his coat from last winter is too small, but Sam's club had some on sale later.

It feels so good to do that sort of job for me.  I love to put things in their places.  Probably that's why I don't mind folding and putting laundry away.  It is a special perk though when I do a job like this that is going to stay done.  I'm not going to turn around tomorrow to find out that someone has gotten into the attic and messed with everything. Nobody has that sort of commitment. Or upper body strength.

Greg

My son Greg has a personality all his own.  Here are a few things he's said that I thought were funny.

 "It's cold enough to freeze an egg out here!" (Only in Minnesota.)

Me:Greg, tell me a story.
Greg: But Mom, I already told you the only story that I know! (Because we are all only given one story to tell in life.)

"Let's play monsters and zompies." (The monsters are always the good guys and zompies are awful.)

Charlotte has a much coveted library card. The rule is you have to be able to write your own name. Greg figured that out last week.  Guess who is the new proud owner of his very own library card?

We all have them

Last week was a complete failure.  Complete and total and horrible.  It seemed that everywhere I looked I found something I was lacking.  Somewhere that I had done wrong.  Places where my best just wasn't good enough. It was my best and it really just didn't cut it.

I'd like to think that we all have those days, weeks, months.  That I'm not alone in the failure. Where we wonder what went wrong.  Where even if we could figure that out we probably wouldn't be able to change the outcome.

By the end of the week all I wanted was to just sit and be still and stop worrying.  So that's what I did. I spent some time after the kids went to bed just sitting and not thinking.

I don't know if it solved any problems.  Actually it probably solved none and now my house is even more of a mess and I didn't practice for rehearsal and I have nothing planned for playgroup and what delicious dinner am I making for my kids to refuse to eat tomorrow.  I still have specific things I'm worried about with each of my kids. Things that I can't change because it is their choice.  Why does that choosing have to start so very young? 

At any rate in that moment of nothing I gave myself the freedom to stop worrying.  All those things were still there after my time of quiet, but oh the quiet.  The ability to just sit and be. I am not able to do that very often.  And by able I mean that not worrying isn't a natural part of me.  Worrying comes even when I try to stop it.  But for that moment I didn't worry.  And I loved it. 

It reminded me of a poem I found I my mom's papers once. It is a common poem and most people know it, but if not, here it is:

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Night owl

You know what is a horrible time to be fully awake? 2:44am.
But here it is 2:44am and I've been awake since 1am.  I go a little crazy worrying about things at 2:44 am.

I know there are times and seasons to life and I'm currently in the my toddler has oddly regressed to waking up in the middle of the night needing a drink of milk and my kids' cries fully wake me up and so now I'm awake and can't fall back to sleep because all those things I decided to worry about later is now, time of life.  The concern for me is that what if my kids have ruined me for a full nights sleep forever.  Like how some experiences just change you and years of not sleeping through the night will make it impossible for me to ever do it once they are finally old enough.

My mom doesn't sleep in in the mornings.  She is always the first to wake up.  And by first to wake up I mean 5:30am. Years of having to wake up early and now that she doesn't have to she still has to.

So there is that to think about.

Spit and Polish

I started music lessons when I was young.  In the neighborhood of 5.  I started violin lessons when I was 8ish and played the violin through high school and some into college.  Music, and the violin was a huge part of my life.  During high school I was in three hours of rehearsal minimum every day, and then did practicing on top of that.

Then in college I just sort of dropped it.  Without the external groups to be in there was really little motivation to keep up with it while doing my studies.  Then I got married and had kids and life is hectic.

My daughter, 6, is now taking violin lessons.  Every day I practice with her.  I mold her hands to what they should be and ask her to think about the curve of her pinkie. And it has reminded me of the curve of my pinkie.  The straight spine on the hard chairs.  The gentle yet strong motion of the arm.  The weight of my head holding the violin in place.  I love being reminded of the basics, the basics which will always always be helpful for every musician.

Start small, take little steps and you will make it to the top of the mountain.  Work here and there and you can create something beautiful that you never thought you could do.  I love creating music.  I love being around others and putting my "voice" with theirs to blend and create.

And so

Tomorrow I am going to the chamber symphony here in town that is open to anyone that wants to join.  I'm joining.  Or at least I'll give it my best try.  Just looking at the music tonight seems daunting.  With all the nerves inside of me I'm not sure how it will go.  I just hope this is an accepting group of people willing to be patient while I take my first steps to the top of the mountain.  Start small, work hard, and I can succeed.

Vegetables and other growing things

Today Charlotte was at school, Greg was at a playgroup and Lee was totally happy.  One of those golden opportunities... to go grocery shopping.  Crazy how I get a little pep in my step just thinking about taking one child to the grocery store. I swear I didn't do a good shopping trip all summer long. I just didn't because with three kids the longer you spend in the store the more fighting, whining, and ultimately buying you do.  Pretty soon it feels like supermarket sweep. In my mind I say, "OK KIDS! You get in the cart and put your arms out.  I'm running down the aisle and anything that lands in the cart we're taking home with us. I'll figure out what to cook with twenty boxes of Ritz crackers, panko bread crumbs, and granola bars later. Just get me out of this place."

But today was not that day. Today Lee and I walked down almost every aisle (I refuse to go down the juice/cracker and the chips/candy aisles) and some we walked down twice.  I let Lee be out of the cart and pick out items from our list which is wildly difficult, but such a joy for him.  He is growing like a weed.  Also the four or five retired couples and old men seemed to enjoy his efforts to help.  They would chuckle and comment on my little helper. He was ready to please with a wave of the hand and a short bye from him, his one and only trick.

But another reason that the trip today was so enjoyable was that I got a boat load of produce.  Now I am not a "foodie." I don't rave over dishes I've had.  In fact, Dan and I rarely eat out at all.  Also being responsible for brakfast, lunch, dinner and any snacks for this whole crew does make me want to quit sometimes. But I love food.  I love it for the science of it.  I love getting vegetables that I rarely use and creating.  I personally think it is amazing all the things we know about food and how it works.  Look at these vegetables I kept thinking to myself.  I packed them into the fridge.

Then tonight for dinner we ate carrots and beans from our garden and the bell pepper from our plant went into my sloppy joe.  I am fully aware that nobody cares what I had for dinner.  But even so I can't help but love and enjoy the bounty before me.  A fully stocked fridge and a garden not done with its bounty.

Also, and on a totally un related note today Greg found his own experiment. He's getting so big.  This is what he discovered.

His balloon on the air vent floats when the AC is running.  Pretty cool.

Seasons

While writing yesterday's post I forgot about this little exchange that I still laugh about.

Charlotte was walking home from school in the hot humid afternoon.  When we came together she said, "I wish it wasn't summer anymore! I wish it were winter." I responded, "you would rather be walking home in the snow?" She said, "no. I want it to be early winter, where its chilly, but no snow." I laughed and told her that what she was describing was fall.

Only in Minnesota is fall described as early winter.

Running and still falling

September was going to be my month to get back on the wagon so to speak for writing on this thing.  And then school started and hoo-boy!  I'm running and running and running and still I can't catch up. My goal was to get the mountain of dishes done today, but it still isn't done. I know it's bad when there aren't any spoons left. I didn't get it all done before Lee woke up from his nap.  There is really no point in cleaning the kitchen while Lee is in it. Charlotte had violin lesson today and it went really well, but we committed to practice every day and today's practice was supposed to happen after dinner.  You know, the dinner where Lee decided to not eat anything but cottage cheese, but mostly he just smeared it all over the table.  The practice time where Charlotte wasn't all that interested, but Greg was desperately hurt that he wasn't being included. Half way through I gave up and included him which made practice take longer.

All of which to say that we're still working out the kinks.  One of these days I'll get the chore chart together and mornings will actually get accomplished.

So even though I have no real point to this post I wanted to record a small conversation I had with Charlotte after school her first day.

Charlotte: I realized today that some people are just mean people.
Me: what happened?
Charlotte: there were just some kids that were mean.
Me: how do you know they were mean?
Charlotte: first of all, they were using mean words. Second of all, they were using mean voices.
Me: what did you do?
Charlotte: I just ignored them. Some people are just mean.

It seemed so grown up to me for her to realize that sometimes what other people do has less to do with her and more to do with them.

Back of the pack

You know what is sort of hard for me? It was hard last spring to see everybody else's kids get out of school for the summer while mine still had weeks left. Weeks I tell you! I am also finding it hard to watch everybody else's kids start school before mine.

It's odd though. I have this tug of war of opinions inside.  If you had asked me at the beginning of August I'd have told you I can not wait.  Please!  Get them out of the house for a bit! But then the end of summer happened and oh you end of summer you.  You are a game changer.  Family trips and hot sunny days and then another family trip.  My children are so pleasant during this, the lazy days of summer.  So now that I've started to really enjoy our days, tomorrow is meet the teacher.  Then one last vacation hurrah up in Duluth.  Then there's the first day of school on the very same day that grandma and grandpa leave.

Well, we certainly are waving the summer out with a bang!

Being Married

Dan brings me home sour cream and onion chips when he finds extras around work.

He always, and I mean always nicely hangs up his work clothes right as he takes them off, but never remembers about socks.

He will wake up at midnight to check, just one more time, about almost anything that my mind conjures up to worry about.

He knows my quirks, like how when it's hot I still like to sleep with something over my torso and arms, but please you might kill me if you try to cover my feet.

It has me thinking about being married and how it is of course about a flow of abiding love.  It is about a commitment that we have for each other.  It is about all the really deep and huge things in life.

But.

It is also about the million tiny things.  About finding them and being able to laugh at their ridiculousness and love each other for them.

I love my husband's crazy collection of snap shirts. And how even though he's decided that he doesn't like strawberry milk anymore, he will still take a swig from Charlotte's just to be sure.

Oh, and he sleeps just about anywhere.  Man I find that funny.  Last night he said he thinks he shouldn't be as tired as he is.  Sounds crazy to me that he would think that someone doing all he's doing wouldn't be tired.

Percie

I caught my dog licking the wall tonight.

I thought it was odd.  Perhaps she's going crazy.

I've already got to deal with a few peculiarities from her. Now licking walls?

Then on closer inspection I realized she had found where the smallest child had spilled his blue otter pop down the wall.

She was helping me clean!

Good dog.

Happy August The First

I told myself that I was going to post more because, well because I like to have the record, but also my grandma (hi!) likes to read it.  Did you catch that everyone?  My eighty something grandma knows about blogs.  She is also on Facebook.  She and grandpa are also planning a super vacation at the moment.  She also never stops moving.  I want to grow old like my grandma.  She seeks out friends, she works out, she tries new things and keeps up with technology.  So anyway, the point is that if my grandma is going to the effort of learning about blogs I should at least blog so she has something to read.  Hopefully the rest of you like it too.

The hard part is that my topics tend to whirl around the baby is CA-RAZY.  I went back in the archives last night to figure out if I'm over reacting and the other two were like this but I've just blocked it out.  Because you do that as a mom.  You block whole sections out of life.  Like that time that Greg woke up at 5 am for a few months.  I would make him a sippy cup the night before and hand it to him in bed then go back to bed myself because there is absolutely no reason to be up that early.  That I blocked out until a friend asked me what I did during that time because she had a similar problem.  I forgot it even happened!

So I checked.  When Charlotte was this age she was more rascally than I remembered, but we managed to buy a 100+ year old house and remodel it.  I would complain about only having an hour to work on it that day.  An hour!  Ha!

When Greg was this age I drove across the country by myself and spent a month living with different family members while Dan did an away rotation in Utah.  Greg loved his cousins (especially Travis which I'm pretty sure will be a life long type of thing), cars, and trucks.  There was even a time that I had my grandparents (my kids great grandparents) watch them alone while I was feeling sick.  I can read between the lines a little to see that he was a handful at times, like all 16 month olds are.

So maybe I am over reacting, but this kid is yet again nothing like I'm used to.  It humbles me and makes me realize that I have absolutely no reason to be advice giving to anyone.  Every kid is so different.  I guess I'm a different mom too.  Oh but I love them all so very much.  So very very much.

Where you fit in

Dan has such a distinct style.  Sometimes I think he has a style all his own.  It's easy to think that when people dress up as him for Halloween.

And then I go home. And I see hints and glimpses of his style all around me.

And then my family goes to the rodeo and I realize that my husband isn't entirely unique. He belongs to a population of individuals. He fits right in with that crowd.  He would no longer look like a fish out of water if you looked at him here.

A Day

I wanted to post something about our day.  All I can remember or today is getting kids up early and then trying to keep them up happily.  Lee pooped seven times today. It might not sound like much, but he's eating all real solid foods now like the rest of us. Did any of you manage that volume?  I didn't think so.  I ran out of diapers while running errands and had to use two kleenexes.  Picture that.  the only thing between me and disaster was two thin pieces from a travel pack I found in the back of the glove box. That was a stressful half hour.

Also my son while at a friend's house this evening decided to climb on top of their dresser and then jump off. Because nothing can go wrong with that scenario right? It wobbled so he bailed haphazardly and banged his leg up.

On the plus side we made it to a special store this evening and bought birthday presents for Aunt Katie.  All I will say is that Aunt Katie is going to have a fun birthday.  Otherwise I will follow my lifelong tradition of letting the cat out of the bag. I just get so excited.

Photo Madness!

I finally sat down and downloaded the photos off my camera since the beginning of May.  Whoo-Boy!  There were a lot to sift through.  Sadly not enough for some events and loads too many of others, but as I have no ability to ration my photos here goes:

Remember how back in May Gregory turned 4?  Yeah, we had a party.

 We went on a field trip the first Friday after school got out.  We went to Lark toys and then over the river into Wisconsin to get some awesome ice cream.  I don't usually rave about any food, but this stuff was worth the drive!

 I found this picture on my camera.  It made me laugh.  Now we will have a photo to put up if ever Charlotte's dog runs away from home.

 Charlotte learned out to ride a two wheeler in this green haven.

 We picked strawberries.

 Lee thought he would help by moving my bucket.  He spilled my bucket a few times before I started dumping my bucket into Charlotte and Greg's buckets.  We still managed 4 pounds of berries in an hour.

 Dan worked all of the fourth of July!  And by worked I mean he got to work at 6 am and never stopped moving or seeing patients until 10:30 am the fifth of July.  So the kids and I had to party without him.  We filled the day with three separate parties and then watched the municipal fireworks.  I, like any good mother of this technology age, didn't take any photos during the day.  I got these two just before it got too dark:

 Live action.  Those two boys didn't stop moving until the fireworks started.  It was fun to watch their glow sticks bounce around the darkened field after the sun set.  Then with the first big bang Greg yelled, "This is so pretty!"  Totally worth it.  Plus, I've decided after three straight years of Dan working the 4th that at least its a holiday designed to be out and about with other people.  It makes us miss him less.

 After receiving no sleep overnight on call Dan came home and crashed for about four hours.  Then he got up and in twenty minutes got us out the door to go camping.  This is the shot of all the excitement as we were going through Culver's for dinner.  As a side note, Culver's has got to be the best fast food restaurant around.  Argue with me till you're blue in the face, but you will not change my mind.

 And this is what the kids look like when I'm not trying to take a picture of the excitement.  Who doesn't love a pirate eye patch?

 Camping at whitewater state park on July 5-6th:

 I thought it was funny that I had a photo of Charlotte's dog and then randomly one of Blue Sky (Greg's dog)

 "Hey Look!  Dirt Mom!"

 A lot of going in and out of the tent happened.

 Also once the tent was up Charlotte forced Greg to ballroom dance with her in it.  He was not thrilled about the idea.  That was pretty funny.

 Walking over whitewater river.

 S'mores

 Dirty face

 More s'mores

 You guys, this is a picture Dan took trying to get Charlotte and me catching fireflies.  That is next to impossible with our camera, but a good memory anyway.  Fireflies have got to be one of the mid-west's best summer things.  They were out in full force and dancing all around our tent.  It was amazing!

 Did you see that photo of Greg with squinty eye smile?  Here's where he gets it from:

 Here's a better attempt to get Dan not looking totally exhausted.

 Breakfast the next morning.  Toast over an open flame.

 This is another amazing thing about the mid-west summer.  A July morning looks like this green glory:

 No dusty brown of the arid west.

 Lee helped Daddy pack up the tent.

 After camping we went to John Latsche state park.  The entirety of this park consists of one hike up to the top of a hill overlooking the Mighty Mississippi.  The hike is rated as difficult.  Dan said, "How could it be considered difficult if the whole thing is just steps?"  I'll tell you how, half an hour of steps up, none of those steps is even, and also try doing it with a squirmy 20 pounds sitting atop your shoulders.  He uses ears as handles.

 But it was totally worth it. Half way up:

 The view from the top.  Stunning.

 Then we walked all the way back down.

Ta-Da!

The things that Rub Off

Yesterday was our great eight year anniversary.  We celebrated by going to a memorial service and then working on our own individual work, by which I mean that Dan studied his something medically and I played on the laptop in the basement.  I ask you though dear reader, how much "studying" do you think a body does while lying on the bed?  So I call our productivity level even.  There was no big fan fair, no out for dinner, no real presents either.  I made him some homemade freezer jam (mostly because the strawberries weren't going to last too much longer.). He got me the fixings for some s'mores and a card.  The s'mores were because he invited me on a family camp out Friday night and into Saturday since he will be post call.  Sounds pretty good to me.

This was not what I thought my anniversary would be like growing up.  I thought I'd be the couple doing fancy, special things.  Turns out I'm not.  And I'm pretty ok with that.  You want to know why?

Daniel

That man has rubbed off on me.  I turned off our AC a few days ago because I was feeling chilled inside our house.  In the middle of summer.  Ridiculous.  I haven't turned it back on.  Mostly because I don't think we really need it on at the moment, but at the same time think of the money we're saving!  This is Daniel's doing.

I have recently developed a habit of losing my phone.  This is because I don't always take my phone with me places.  Shocking, I know.  Then when I need it I have to search for it.  You know what though? It's kind of nice not being connected to my phone.  Turns out I'm more connected to the people I'm with.  You know who never answers his phone? Daniel.

He is so serious and pragmatic and sensible.  It's a good thing that there's also a lot about him that tickles my funny bone and is also ridiculous.  It endears him to me.  Hopefully I can do the same for him. We truly have had a great eight.

The Things We Do

Today Dan and I attended a memorial service for the 30 year old son of a consultant Dan works with.  We never met him, but Dan really liked the consultant and he and his wife have been so very gracious to us.

I talked to Charlotte about why she was going to a friend's house while we were gone and what we were doing.  I realized that trying to explain our social customs is really hard sometimes.  Why do we have memorial services?  What do you say to someone who lost their son?  What even can you say?  So instead I just show up.  I don't know what to say, but I'm here and I'll stand in line for an hour and a half to show you that I care.

We got to the funeral home and stood in line to give our condolences.  An hour later we were closer to the front of the line and looking at photos of this young man.  He's my age.  There are photos of him young, when I was young.  He was in college when I attended college.  His dad went through a misguided mustache phase, like mine did.  (Sorry Daddy, but that thing looks so funny in your wedding photos.)  I thought of all the life that he lived.  And all the life he had yet to live and wont.

I thought of all the funerals I've been to in the past.  They were hard because it was my family, but everyone was so much older than me (at the time).  Also, probably I was so much younger.  I was emotionally much like Charlotte tonight, I was physically older, but still I didn't really get it.

Tonight I got it.  Did that come to me with motherhood?  Understanding another mother's love?  This mom, this son, this loss.  Of course I have never lost a son so I can't fully get it.  I can't because just thinking about the possibility makes my heart break and hurt so bad tears come to my eyes.

And then suddenly I'm thinking of the most recent funeral of a loved one that I wasn't able to attend.  The funeral of my cousin's tiny baby girl.  So much love, so much life, so much promise lost.  She will never have walls of photos of her.  Snapshots of her life.  I'm standing in a room filled with strangers for a memorial service for someone I never met and my eyes are tearing up and I'm struggling to keep it under control because who cries for someone they don't know?  Only I'm not crying for someone I don't know, I'm crying for everyone I do know.

And probably that's why we have memorial services.  It gives everyone a safe place to grieve.  A free pass on tears over people we will never stop missing.  A way of showing love without needing to have the right words.

Like Riding A Bike

I've been teaching Charlotte to ride a two wheeler.  She had the desire and I asked Daniel to teach her, but, well, he's a medical resident so you know who ended up teaching her.  I've also watched her learn to ice skate.  We have also started violin lessons.  Through these experiences I have learned a few things about my daughter.  First, stay positive.  She may complain and throw things and insist she can't or won't do something.  She may scream that I'm not fair.  I have to forever remain positive because as soon as I slip it's like a crack opens up and her frustration flows right in.  Second, be firm.  It is hard to do both numbers one and two together, but that's the only way to urge her forward.

You see, I have a daughter that doesn't naturally like to be out of control.  She doesn't like to plunge into the unknown or race ahead.  Honestly I'm grateful for this attribute in her.  These things can be such a great asset for her, but it does mean she requires a person who doesn't give her wiggle room. Also a person that will always have unyielding confidence in her and her abilities when she isn't sure of herself.

I am so proud of her overcoming her fears and learning to ride her bike.  She was learning how to go downhill Saturday when she crashed.  I was standing at the top of the hill and watched in slow motion her wobble, gain control, wobble, gain control, and wobble out of control until she panicked and crashed.  My heart fell and I was frozen for a few seconds before I realized I was the one that had to help her.  She was bleeding, shaking, and frantic.  She never wanted to get back on that bike.  I never wanted to make her.  She walked her bike back a while, but I had to put my foot down and make her ride.  I stood there, listening to her shrieking, insisting she try all the while wanting to tell her she never had to try again.  I was so proud when she did.

She is so hesitant and I get so used to having to urge her forward, but then I turn around and she's zipping around doing things that I never thought she'd figure out she could.  She can skate backwards, she biked downhill Sunday night.  She can do really hard things.  It happens in the blink of an eye, and I can't figure out when or how it happens, but she suddenly has confidence in herself and joy in those things she was terrified of.

It makes me wonder about those things that still hold me back, those people I don't reach out to because I'm nervous, those activities that make me feel out of control.  Most specifically those things that keep holding me back from feeling like this city and this time in my life is my home.  I see myself living confidently and enjoying, then I wobble, then I regain control, then I wobble.  At what point will I look back and realize that I've done this long enough to be confident in myself?  In my family?  In my motherhood?

Just To Remind Myself

Lately I've been composing long, eloquent posts in my head.  They are voluminous.  They aren't written because I've thought better of it.  Mostly they were constructed out of a woe is me attitude about the difficulties I face married to a surgical resident.

Which is all bunk.

Or not bunk really, it is hard, but I don't want to validate those feelings by writing them down. These feelings will fade and I will remember other things about this time because those are the things I will focus my energies on.

With that in mind I thought I'd sit down and write out some of the things that I enjoy about being married to a surgical resident.  Not the things I will enjoy years down the road, but here and now there are wonderful things that I love about the life that I'm living.

First of all, I take great pride in the fact that I have a husband that has chosen a profession to help serve people and better their lives.  And also I love that that is one of the reasons he chose this profession (because that's not a reason for all physicians).  He can come home and tell me how he helped someone today.  The sacrifices we make in seeing him at home are worth it because, in small part, our sacrifice helped someone else live a better life.

Another thing that I like about being married to a surgical resident is my independence.  I enjoy doing things my way.  Hmm, that may make me sound like a bit of a dictator, which as every parent knows is far from the truth with this gaggle of geese.  But for much of my life I chose the next step.  What happens when we get home?  What will we do after dinner? Why are we going out right now? When to squeeze in the nap? Will we take a fun trip to the park or stay home and play?  Our schedule doesn't depend on his.  Honestly it can't and that was something that was hard to get used to, not waiting for Daddy, but now that our situation has been flipped we find it hard in the other direction.

I love that I married a man that can work with his hands.  Right now we are in the midst of a bathroom remodel (pray for us) and I realized something while poking my head in during the tile saw cutting.  He uses the same type of tools and materials at work.  He uses the bone saw, he uses cement, he uses all sorts of tools that look like torture devices to me.  He knows how to use them and I'm grateful that he does and I'm grateful that he summons the energy to use those talents here at home.

I love that my husband is safe, or as safe as anyone can be really, while he works.  My husband isn't a soldier, he's not a fire fighter, he's not a police officer, he's not even a cable man for the power company.  He will be called (or will call himself) to work during emergencies, horrible weather, and times of panic but I can send him with a reasonable expectation that he's going to a hospital, not a burning building, or the front lines of a riot or even up an icy telephone pole.  I love that he has the confidence in me to leave trusting that I am capable of handling things here at home.

Well, the kids are up for the day so I have to be done.  Final thought to myself: Don't forget the light just because you're looking at the shadows it makes.