So third year is hard. Not last month. Last month was a breeze. I kept hoping that the month would never end. Which basically means that it was over in an instant. This month slammed into me and keeps right on going with a seemingly endless marathon of coping. It's like summer skipped right past fall and landed me in the middle of winter. (That analogy only works if you're not talking about the climate of St. Louis. In St. Louis summer is a season to avoid. Don't ever vacation here in August. You might just die.)
I recently read a good friend's post about his hours during third year and what he's doing and they are what I imagine my husband to be doing right now as well. All I can say is that he's gone. He'd be here, with me and with our children, if he could, but he can't. Right now we are sacrificing with the faith that it will be worth it in the end. Mostly I think I'm doing just fine. Mostly I think we're coping well.
And then.
Then Charlotte wakes up from her nap asking, begging, for me to get Daddy. What a joke right? Now, when he can't be here, she's finally decided that she prefers him for some things. Not only that, we can't try to call him because he doesn't get great reception in the hospital and he might be too busy to talk anyway.
Then we're with a group of other women and children with spouses in medical school or residency. They're all talking about what their husbands are doing. The conversation is light and fun. Suddenly I'm thinking about Daniel being gone and having to put the kids to bed by myself three days in a row and I start to get choked up a bit.
Intellectually I know many other families go through similar situations. I also know that many families go through much tougher challenges. That doesn't change the coping that has to go on in our family when Daniel-the husband, friend, dad, lover, joker, and anchor-is gone. We hope he is energized about what he's doing and learning. We love to see him take the next step towards our collective goal. We also miss him.
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5 comments:
I won't lie to you and tell you that it gets easier after awhile because you are used to it. It gets familiar but not easier - I would guess it's alot like dealing with a chronic disease - you get used to it but it never goes away. Dan has been so much more involved with the kids than his dad was (HIS dad (John)didn't think a break from ranch work was necessary for anyone under 35, so even during the summers he was not home much and he worked catering during college, can we say mostly at night?), I'm sure it is even harder. What I will tell you is that after residency, it does get better and for us, it has been worth it.
I know Dan has talked about away rotations. Please know that you are all welcome here if those become too hard at home by yourself.
Wow and to think I get annoyed when Mike gets home from work late?! I can probably count on 2 hands how many times I have had to put Jack to bed by myself in the 2.5 years he has been alive. We also waited 5 years till Mike was done with school till we had Jack. I just knew I couldn't have a baby and Mike be gone all the time. You are very strong!
It seems that you grow accustomed to it. We're now post-residency and I certainly don't enjoy Nate being gone, but I know how to handle it and the kids do too.
Grace was about Charlotte's age when we began the surgical internship. It was difficult, and even more difficult to explain why she couldn't see him. I slowly changed her bedtime to eventually having her down by 9 p.m. He (if he'd be coming home that night) would usually be in by then and they'd get to have a few one on one minutes. I didn't enjoy the later bedtime (though she did sleep in to about 8:30 eventually because of it), but the few minutes she had with her daddy made a huge difference in her temperment the next day. In turn it made a difference in my temperment too!
Hang in there. Its hard, but it seems to me you are made of tough stuff. The year will end and you will be amazed at what you've accomplished. Fourth year will be a wonderful respite.
Also I will tell you one lesson that I finally learned - take any help offered to you, be it a friend to talk to, someone to hold your baby at church, a playdate for Charlotte, someone offering to bring you ice cream, whatever it is - take it!
If its any help at all, know you are not alone.
Good luck to you.
Oh Mags,
I think you are doing a great job and I've been so proud of how well you are managing everything!
I look up to YOU!
You are the greatest
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