On Having Second Thoughts

The wonderful honeymoon phase in Rochester is over. Dan has been home, but studying all week, which means he really hasn't been able to be around much. Then today he really was gone. And also it's been cold and rainy. It's the end of June and we're wearing long pants and jackets. Also it's been overcast and rainy for a while. Somehow the rainy weather has sort of rained on my emotional parade.

Today I took the kids to the indoor play area at the local mall and found half of Rochester there as well. As I was sitting there waiting for a friend to show up I started to think about our plans for the coming year.

Specifically about Charlotte and preschool. We decided that we can't afford preschool. On the one had this is probably going to be the tightest year financially we've had so far. She's also pretty smart and socially capable. On the other hand winter is long here. We don't have too many friends and not huge prospects at making too many more. (Or is that just the newness talking?) And also? Having nothing planned for the fall scares me since I've been doing the co-op preschool with Charlotte for two years.

I sat there watching my kids running around being free to be kids and do whatever they wanted there. They were so happy to be out and about. And it almost made me cry. What am I doing here without a Magic House or Science Center or Zoo? What did we get ourselves into? When I ask people what sort of things there are to do here I get this list of outdoor activities and then a list of three indoor activities. Maybe that's why it seems like all the kids Charlotte's age are in preschool. That's what there is for them to do here.

There are no guarantees in parenting and right now I wish there were. I wish I knew someone that seems to fit my style of parenting that chose to keep their kid home from preschool and was super happy about that decision. I wish I were certain that I could come up with the mental, emotional, and physical reserves needed to help my kids to be their best. I wish I knew what the next year holds for me, my sanity, my kids and their sanity.