I really should stop

Tuesday night I barfed.....again! I told myself that I wouldn't start telling people I'm over morning sickness until I go a complete week without barfing and I'm at 21 stinking weeks and I still haven't made my goal! This is barfing with my anti-nausea medication. I have to admit that it works so well on me that I thought I must be over and started trying to take half of what I was previously taking. I'm back on full medication. Hopefully week 21 will be barf free!

Also, sleeping has become a rather difficult task lately. My husband is a cuddler. This is something that I really like, until I'm actually wanting to fall asleep. And lately the extra weight of him on my already stressed body just hurts. He's such an angel and doesn't complain at all when I tell him that he has to stop touching me now that my body hurts anyway. Last night I may have stumbled on gold with the use of three pillows-one between my legs, one behind my back and the other (a very little one) holding up my stomach. It's sort of ridiculous. I'm still waiting for my husband to look over at me and just start laughing. It's also bad if I get uncomfortable in whatever position I've got all the pillows in. Turning over in the bed with that many pillows is a real task.

But I really should stop complaining about how my body seems to be on revolt from it's happy self. I really am happy with my pregnancy and I feel so blessed about it! I realized this very powerfully last night. I was with my sister-in-law (also pregnant-her fourth) when my sister called me. I told my sister that I hadn't felt my baby move since the night I got my ultrasound (that would be two days of not feeling her move) and it was starting to make me sad. This is because I love to feel her move. For some reason everytime she moves I just get the happiest feeling! Anyway, later that night my sister-in-law asked me if I really hadn't felt the baby move at all in two days. I told her no. She said that it wasn't a good thing and that I should go home and lay down and relax and concentrate on seeing if she moves. "Probably you've just been too busy to feel her, but you should make sure," was her reaction. Then she said if the baby didn't move I really should call the doctor in the morning. My ever-rational mind jumped to the thought that my baby's dead. I finally got to see her on the ultrasound and now she's dead! I completely freaked out when I got home alone. (There is no need to remind me how irrational I can be. I know it already.) I tried my best not to cry, because when I'm all upset my baby never moves anyway. I did pretty well not crying for the hour and a half laying down on the sofa alone until my husband got home. As soon as he walked in the door he knew something was up. He asked what was wrong and as I started to tell him I completely lost it. He asked me what he could do. I knew he felt awful not being able to do anything to help the situation. He even tried poking my bellie trying to make the baby move. (It didn't work.) We just cuddled together on the sofa watching LiarLiar. That movie is much better to watch with him because, like his father, he laughs out loud at movies. I couldn't keep being so wound up cuddling and listening to my husband laugh. When I finally did relax I felt her move. That little movement seemed like the biggest blessing of all! It completely erased the past three hours of worry and stress. I know the whole situation was probably completely manufactured in my head, but that doesn't make the fear any less real.

I learned that I should stop complaining about how uncomfortable it is to be pregnant (even if most of the complaining does just happen in my mind.) All those things mean I'm going to get to have a little miracle of my own! So anyway, my back hurts, I'm still throwing up occasionally, and I'm starting to have problems sleeping. Isn't life great?