While At Walmart

Did you know my sister's first baby is due on Thursday?  Well it is and that seems to be what my mind keeps wandering to when I get a minute.  Today at Walmart I almost bought the Rock N Roll Johnny Jump Up because I was so excited.  It took great will power to remind myself that I will be seeing the little guy in January and he'll only be three-ish months old.  I'm sure I can buy him one then.  But boy oh boy can I not wait to see this little guy.

Last October Hurrah

Although there were many set backs last weekend we really did have a fun time.  Here's some of what we did:

Walk around Quarry Hill Nature Center.

 Carved pumpkins.  (Not too many photos of this because the camera ran out of batteries.)

 Raked leaves.  (We had a windy day after this so the lawn is covered in leaves anyway.  Oh well, we had fun.)

October

So here it is.  Evidence that we lived through October.  I simply refuse to believe that October is almost over already.  Didn't it just start?

 Also, did you know that Greg's favorite number is 159.

 And Charlotte loves to "pretend" which for all I can tell is a socially acceptable way to boss someone else around.

 Greg can get his grandpas to do almost anything with him (except possibly go into a McDonald's playplace.)

 Lee is suddenly enjoying time to himself!  He doesn't need to be connected to a human 100% of the time.  Unfortunately he has decided that the only human he wants is me.

 Greg stayed up to eat yogurt and watch football with Daddy.  They were in heaven.

 I thought I would include this photo for evidence that I don't ALWAYS dress my babies in one piece outfits.  He looks pretty handsome in this outfit.

 This is the happiest Charlotte has been at breakfast since a week after school started.

 This shows how I need to get a new flash sequence for my camera.  Thirty pictures all looking like this.  Oh yeah, and Lee cruising on the bed.  At six months old.

This was Lee after we walked Charlotte to school this morning.  I don't mind the cold, or snow even, but man does the Minnesota wind get to all of us.

And here are another few weird emotions

Being the wife of a medical resident is hard.

Being the mother of three is hard.

Feeling somewhat alone at times is hard.

I've come to realize that it's not a bad thing to admit that something is hard for me.  I used to feel guilty about saying something was hard.  Somehow admitting difficulty was construed as whining.  I know that there are so very many other truly hard things in life.  There are people out there starving, and dying and in true pain so it seemed fruitless and selfish to admit to anyone, even myself that what I'm doing here is hard.  I think that not letting myself admit to difficulty was adding stress to myself.

Then came a breaking point a few weeks ago.  I felt like I was working and working and working and not making any headway towards any of my goals.  And I felt so very alone.  Then there were a few days of tears.  Tears from everyone in the house (except for Dan because that's not how he reacts to stresses).

Today I read part of 1 Peter 1.  Very abbreviated it says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead ...Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith ... might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ."

To me that says that its OK to admit that something is hard for me.  Just because other people have hard things they are going through doesn't make what I'm trying to do any easier for me.  It also doesn't mean that I don't want to live the life that I've chosen.  I love my life.  I love God.  I love my family.  That doesn't change with the difficulty level I've been living through right now.  But admitting it has strangely made it so very much easier to face each day.

Wait, when did that happen?

Twenty eight is not old.  It just isn't.  So then how is it that in the past couple of weeks I have suddenly realized that I'm old.  Or at least, I'm not young anymore.  What a strange feeling it is to realize that what I formerly thought of myself is maybe not actually how I really am.

I have three kids.

And a minivan.

And a mortgage.

And last week I finalized my life insurance.  If there isn't a more boring or practical marker of being an adult I don't know it.

And today the babysitter called to ask me if it was OK to use me as a reference.  A reference I tell you!  I remember doing that exact same thing!

Also, I'm worried about the carpet.  Tonight I told the kids they couldn't eat downstairs on the new carpet.  Isn't that just what moms say?!  Only wait, I am a mom.  With a five year old.  I've been a mom for five years.

Plus, today I got a flu shot.  I don't remember feeling the need to do that before.

So as I try to digest how I feel about being old I decided to do something really young.  I took all the rewards money I had saved up on my gap card and bought myself a new fall coat.  In yellow.  And I didn't even feel guilty about it.  Because young people don't feel guilty about buying things for themselves on a whim.  And it is beautiful.

It's Coming For You Too

If you are a mom there will come a day wherein that chair, bed, blanket, etc. you loved is so covered in vomit and diarrhea that you will consider lighting it on fire to get rid of it.  Simply throwing it away wont even be enough.

Then you will roll up your sleeves and start scrubbing.

Because you're a mom.  And that's what you do.

The Future Is Here

Sunday night I had one of those moments.  Dan and I sat out in our backyard and watched the sunset.  The baby was squirming around us and then the two older kids came out and we all played together.  There are lots of parts of being a mom and a wife to a doctor that are hard, but that night I knew we'd hit it.  We had hit the sweet spot.  The part where all the hard melts off.  All the stress leaves and you simply enjoy each other.  I think it's moments like those that we desperately try to force into every vacation time we have and in the end those moments seem to come without a plan or more things or "memorable" events.

I yearn in those moments to be a great writer so that I could share with everyone, and record for myself the beautiful peace and fulfillment that enter my soul.  I wish I could describe for you the vibrant sunset, the crunchy grass, the musical sound of my children's laughter and the joy that all those things brought me.

I yearn in those moments to be a great photographer so that my photos would tell the story of my happy family.  I would show you the splash of tiny freckles on my son's nose and the honey brown of my daughter's eyes and the joyous smile on my baby's face.  I wish I could show to you and capture for myself that particular scene of my life because it is that scene that I hope to cling to and build from.

But those are not my talents.  So I am content in the knowledge that, at least in part, my talents help to create those little moments, those threads that will weave together.  In the end I hope that my masterpiece is written quietly with these scenes written in the hearts of my children.

Also, here's a video Dan took that evening to show you why my second son is never going to be a very chubby baby.  He never stops moving.  Not. Ever.