Mourn with those that mourn

This morning I found out some hard news about a really good friend of mine. We both got married the same year and right away she and her husband started trying to get pregnant. My husband and I weren't so ready right away, but I wished her well. When my husband and I were ready to start trying getting pregnant came pretty easily and quickly. She was so excited for us when I told her even though I was really nervous to tell her since I knew they'd been trying for a while. A couple weeks later she called and told me good news of her own! They were expecting and although things were pretty scary for them and the doctor was really concerned about the pregnancy the baby's heartbeat was loud and clear.

When I called her today she told me that on her last ultrasound (two days ago) the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. Nothing. She said that yesterday her husband took off work and just stayed home with her while she was crying. She has a little pile of baby things (very similar to mine I'm sure) reminding her of what she just lost. When she told me I just started crying for her. I have no idea what it must be like, but I know that losing my baby was/is a big fear of mine. I spent an hour on the phone with her just crying and talking and doing my best to make her laugh or at least chuckle a little. All I wanted to do was sit down and cry with her and hug her and give her all the love I could because I know there's nothing I can do to help the situation. She asked all sorts of things about how my baby was doing and how my pregnancy was going but all the complaints I had seemed so selfish and trivial compaired to her's and all my little joys of my pregnancy seemed.....less so I guess.

I wish I knew what to say or something to do. All I could really do was cry right along with her. Maybe I could get her some little something to cheer her up. Any ideas would really help.

I don't really have a whole lot to say, but I thought it would be good to post something of an update. I went to the doctor yesterday and I have gained weight. It was only one pound, but I'm still so early in my pregnancy that he said not to worry. (And when my worries were gone I thought to myself, what a stupid worry.) He also said that I need to drink tons more water because I'm really dehydrated and also sleep more. I don't know how I'm going to sleep more because since I've been on my Unisom and B-6 I've been sleeping more than ever.

The real highlight of this week is going to be that my husband and I are going home this weekend! I only wish it could be longer! I'm trying not to complain about it because my husband does have to work and it will benefit us in the long run. I can't wait to see my sister! It feels like it's been forever since I got to see her. Also my husband and I are driving my grandma's sports car from Washington to Utah to bring it to her. That's kind of cool.

I get to have my ultrasound in six weeks! I'm so excited that it's finally scheduled and I can't wait until it happens and I get to see my baby's face!

My brother and sister-in-law are buying a house and moving down the street and I can't believe how long its taking. Everyone keeps calling them and asking them if they're moving yet and it's making me feel really bad for my sister-in-law because she's getting so stressed about it. From what I can gather the hold up is in the Salt Lake office of the underwriters for the loan that the people buying their house are getting and so my brother and sister-in-law can't close on their house until that happens which means they can't close on the house they're buying until then either. Anyway, everyone's getting so anxious about the whole thing and it would make anybody really stressed about the whole deal. Fingers crossed it'll happen this week!

Deep(?) thoughts

Yesterday I had an appointment related to me being pregnant and the lady needs to track my pregnancy weight gain so she asked what my pre-pregnancy weight was. I told her what the doctor had weighed me at and then when she weighed me it was exactly the same weight. I'm almost 14 weeks along in my pregnancy now and I have officially gained no weight. I think something must be wrong because I am growing. In fact I got my first stretch mark the other day and that proves I'm getting bigger. What an intersting puzzle, how does one grow in the tummy and boobs and not gain any weight. Now I'm anxious to see my doctor on Monday, then I can officially know how much weight I've gained. Some of you might be thinking she doesn't know how lucky she is that she doesn't have to worry about gaining too much weight. To that I respond, at least you're not throwing up, which is probably why I wasn't gaining all that much weight because I've been eating like crazy. I bet I have gained weight and that the two scales were just not calibrated to each other.

Anyway, I don't know if you noticed that I mentioned I got my first stretch mark. Yes, and when I found it I showed my husband (hoping that it wasn't what I thought it was) and he seemed to think that it was no big deal. To which I thought, no big deal, yeah right, because it's not your body! Then I calmed down and realized that it really isn't a big deal since it's on a spot that nobody but me, him and my doctor will ever see. Plus, wishful thinking says it might go away on it's own later. Who knows.

Speaking of my husband, I don't think I have every loved him more than I do right now! Sometimes just thinking about him makes me so happy I don't know why I don't explode, instead I just cry. My feelings about him are so tender and jumbled right now. I am proud of him, I love him, I'm worried for him, I'm (very occasionally) upset with him, and I can't stop thinking about how blessed I am to be with him. I look at how hard he is working towards his goal of becoming a doctor, and in a more general sense of just helping all the people he can. He literally does all he can to help those around him and it blows my mind away, especially since mostly he tries to help me. He is so proactive about his life's plans. I am so happy with our life together right now! The only worry I have is really for him. He's getting really very stressed out about his application process. He has his secondary applications into about 10 schools right now (I think) and he's only heard from one about inviting him for an interview. Nevermind that the school he's heard from is the one school that would be an answer to all our hopes and dreams. It's in the perfect location and is the perfect price (if there is such a thing). Nevermind that it's still September and there's plenty of time for him to still hear from schools. He's getting really upset about it. And it makes me worrry. Seared onto my memory with a burn that still hurts is the scene from last spring when I walked into our little apartment and found scraps of paper flung all over the floor. Only after I tried to piece them together did I realize that it was a letter from this very school declining acceptance to him. He had to go to work before I had gotten home so I just picked up the pieces and put it in an envelope to save until he later needed/wanted it. I know he has a big heart and willing hands. I know he's smart enough and strong (physically, emotionally, mentally) enough to fulfill his dreams. I despirately want this for him. I really don't care right now what sacrifices that means for us and our family. I know that's his dream and I want him to achieve it. I wish and hope others will be able to see this in him too.

One thing I think has really helped us taking this year off and living close to his older brother. His older brother is such a great example for him. His brother is an incredibly intelligent person, and also a very hard worker. He had plans to become a veteranarian, that have never worked out for him. In fact, most of his brother's big life plans haven't worked out the way he planned and yet he still has a life that can be envied! He has a wonderful and beautiful family that he can support and a job that is challenging to him. Although I know he would like to have been able to have his life a little different, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't change the love that he has for and from his family. He is a husband and father that anyone can be proud of. Now I don't want that to happen for my sweetie, but I know if it does that everything will be ok. I know I will love him no less. I hope that my husband sees the great example his brother is for him. Regardless of this great example, I still worry for my husband.

I've also been thinking about being a mom. I've been thinking about what motivates women (and me) to become a mom. It's got to be strong motivation because it's hard. I'm not even a mom yet, and I think it's hard just to have the babies. I feel like I'm in for the biggest surprise of my life because I really have no idea what it feels like to be a mom. Oh I have notions and little glimpses and memories of what my mom was like, but I realize that it's not the same. So my question for anyone, especially my mom and my mother-in-law, is what was/is your motivation to become a mom? What was/is your favorite part? What were/are your big struggles with the process?

One thing that I have really liked about being pregnant is how close it has brought me to my husband. I see him in a different light every day. He is so helpful! I would never be able to do this without his help! Man I love him!

Itching for Christmas

Well, it's not really Christmas, or the holiday season that I really want, but it is the next big thing to look forward to. What I really want is for time to move more quickly! I want to have my baby here. I'm so impatient! I feel like I should really be more happy about the whole pregnancy state and enjoying it much more. Now that I'm not barfing up everything I've eaten in a day I do enjoy it much more. Plus I'm almost into my second tri-mester (I'm a little over 12 weeks right now). The way I figure it the second tri-mester is the holy grail of pregnancy. For most women the sickness stops (maybe I'll get to stop taking Unisom?), you actually look pregnant and not just fat (which is where I'm at right now), and you're not so big that it's uncomfortable. Plus, in the second tri-mester you get to see an ultra-sound of your baby! I've had one already, but all it really looked like was a lima bean. Yesterday I went with my sister-in-law to her ultra-sound and her baby is so cute! The ultra-sound monitor was so good! You could see the little arms and legs and the head and the face. You can tell the sex (although they don't want to know so the nurse didn't even bother to look). If I'm wrong about this second tri-mester holy grail thing then brake it to me gently.

Back to my main point. I want my time to pass quickly. Yesterday I was talking to my 4 year old nephew trying to convince him that it was indeed fall and not summer any longer because it was now September. I could not, however, argue with his logic that it could not possibly be fall since all the trees were still green and none of them were dropping their leaves. Nuts! It's still summer. Not that I'm even excited at the prospect of winter, which is long and cold. It just marks the passage of time. Christmas will too. Remember when you were little and you got to make red and green paper chains to count down to Christmas? Well, I sort of like to do that for anything I'm looking forward to. I did it for my wedding (although the chain when I made it was ridiculously long and my roommate had good reason to make fun of me). See if you do that then every day can be an accomplishment towards your goal. I'd secretly like to do that for my baby, but you can't know the exact date of the birth, at least not this far out. Then if I make the chain and the baby comes soon I would feel completely off guard and if the end of the chain came and my baby wasn't here I would feel kind of depressed. I'm so neurotic, I know. There is no need to tell me this.

In the mean time I do know when Christmas is. I can excitedly think of presents for people (which takes a lot longer when you have to save up to get them). I can think of how I will make the season festive and I can think about how my family will be different this year with a little one on the way. I can count down to that. So right now I can't wait for Christmas!

Only a Woman Knows (and Loyd)

I dressed up for work today. I'm wearing a pretty dress and I decided on some sensible flats. Nothing that I thought would be bad for work when I got dressed today. Little did I know the torture I would be in today because of the dreaded nylons. The top of the waistband is digging into my expanding bellie! I can't seem to find a spot where they want to stay either. It's like trying to fit a hair rubber band on and egg. The top either wants to curl down past my bellie or I have to pull it way up over the top. Well, they don't actually reach to the top of my bellie (which would probably have been my preferred position today). I think this is a new form of torture for pregnant women. Now I know what you're thinking/saying to yourself, "She's a fool! They make maternity nylons!" All I have to say is that I'm only 12 weeks along. I haven't really needed anything maternity yet (although I have to admit it might be time to invest in some new clothes). My need for nylons today was sort of a last minute thing. I didn't plan it. I will not be wearing these again anytime soon. Trust me.

Two-Face

There are two things which I delight in "arguing" with my husband about. The first one is where, exactly, does the line for my half of the bed lie. The second one has to do with decorating. I like to "debate" with him over these things because we both know that in the end it really doesn't matter what answer we come up with. For example, when the "my side of the bed" argument was inititated I finally decided that the true line for my side of the bed lies approximately 3.5 inches from his edge of the bed. To that he decided that the whole top of the mattress must really be my half and his half lay in the air approximately 6 inches above the bed. Of course to get to his half of the bed he needed my help by laying directly on top of me squishing my guts out. Anyway, now it doesn't really matter whose half of the bed it is, if you want to sleep there, go for it.

We are currently in the throws of a towel rack debate. I say we need a new one he says our current system is OK. Last night the "argument" became completely comical when I stuck to my it'll look better and be better for drying towels point and he stuck to his we don't really need to change anything or spend any money at all point. I do have to concede that we don't really need it, but he also conceded that if we at least buy a new hook for the back side of the door it would probably solve a lot of issues. I also learned that he never uses hand towels to dry his hands, even if they're right next to the sink. He still turns around and uses the full sized towels that people have for after their showers! I thought that was really funny.