Deep(?) thoughts

Yesterday I had an appointment related to me being pregnant and the lady needs to track my pregnancy weight gain so she asked what my pre-pregnancy weight was. I told her what the doctor had weighed me at and then when she weighed me it was exactly the same weight. I'm almost 14 weeks along in my pregnancy now and I have officially gained no weight. I think something must be wrong because I am growing. In fact I got my first stretch mark the other day and that proves I'm getting bigger. What an intersting puzzle, how does one grow in the tummy and boobs and not gain any weight. Now I'm anxious to see my doctor on Monday, then I can officially know how much weight I've gained. Some of you might be thinking she doesn't know how lucky she is that she doesn't have to worry about gaining too much weight. To that I respond, at least you're not throwing up, which is probably why I wasn't gaining all that much weight because I've been eating like crazy. I bet I have gained weight and that the two scales were just not calibrated to each other.

Anyway, I don't know if you noticed that I mentioned I got my first stretch mark. Yes, and when I found it I showed my husband (hoping that it wasn't what I thought it was) and he seemed to think that it was no big deal. To which I thought, no big deal, yeah right, because it's not your body! Then I calmed down and realized that it really isn't a big deal since it's on a spot that nobody but me, him and my doctor will ever see. Plus, wishful thinking says it might go away on it's own later. Who knows.

Speaking of my husband, I don't think I have every loved him more than I do right now! Sometimes just thinking about him makes me so happy I don't know why I don't explode, instead I just cry. My feelings about him are so tender and jumbled right now. I am proud of him, I love him, I'm worried for him, I'm (very occasionally) upset with him, and I can't stop thinking about how blessed I am to be with him. I look at how hard he is working towards his goal of becoming a doctor, and in a more general sense of just helping all the people he can. He literally does all he can to help those around him and it blows my mind away, especially since mostly he tries to help me. He is so proactive about his life's plans. I am so happy with our life together right now! The only worry I have is really for him. He's getting really very stressed out about his application process. He has his secondary applications into about 10 schools right now (I think) and he's only heard from one about inviting him for an interview. Nevermind that the school he's heard from is the one school that would be an answer to all our hopes and dreams. It's in the perfect location and is the perfect price (if there is such a thing). Nevermind that it's still September and there's plenty of time for him to still hear from schools. He's getting really upset about it. And it makes me worrry. Seared onto my memory with a burn that still hurts is the scene from last spring when I walked into our little apartment and found scraps of paper flung all over the floor. Only after I tried to piece them together did I realize that it was a letter from this very school declining acceptance to him. He had to go to work before I had gotten home so I just picked up the pieces and put it in an envelope to save until he later needed/wanted it. I know he has a big heart and willing hands. I know he's smart enough and strong (physically, emotionally, mentally) enough to fulfill his dreams. I despirately want this for him. I really don't care right now what sacrifices that means for us and our family. I know that's his dream and I want him to achieve it. I wish and hope others will be able to see this in him too.

One thing I think has really helped us taking this year off and living close to his older brother. His older brother is such a great example for him. His brother is an incredibly intelligent person, and also a very hard worker. He had plans to become a veteranarian, that have never worked out for him. In fact, most of his brother's big life plans haven't worked out the way he planned and yet he still has a life that can be envied! He has a wonderful and beautiful family that he can support and a job that is challenging to him. Although I know he would like to have been able to have his life a little different, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't change the love that he has for and from his family. He is a husband and father that anyone can be proud of. Now I don't want that to happen for my sweetie, but I know if it does that everything will be ok. I know I will love him no less. I hope that my husband sees the great example his brother is for him. Regardless of this great example, I still worry for my husband.

I've also been thinking about being a mom. I've been thinking about what motivates women (and me) to become a mom. It's got to be strong motivation because it's hard. I'm not even a mom yet, and I think it's hard just to have the babies. I feel like I'm in for the biggest surprise of my life because I really have no idea what it feels like to be a mom. Oh I have notions and little glimpses and memories of what my mom was like, but I realize that it's not the same. So my question for anyone, especially my mom and my mother-in-law, is what was/is your motivation to become a mom? What was/is your favorite part? What were/are your big struggles with the process?

One thing that I have really liked about being pregnant is how close it has brought me to my husband. I see him in a different light every day. He is so helpful! I would never be able to do this without his help! Man I love him!