This time around things feel so different from the others. The sickness seems to be more acute, but what has bowled me over is the emotional toll of the pregnancy. Let me attempt to explain. Maybe it's because I'm hormonal and thus can't really control my emotions. Maybe not.
Not only am I sick, I'm exhausted. And I can't seem to plan anything. All this means is that I feel like I'm missing all my definitions of what it means to be a good mom. I know that my kids are resilient, and so I try not to worry too much, but I feel so guilty. Pretty much all the time. I see discipline problems, I see boredom, and I also see amazing creativity. All of which I want to be proactive about, but can't seem to rouse myself enough.
With all of these experiences though I seem to be learning a few simple and precious truths. The first of which is how much I love my kids. They are so amazing. I love my kids with a fierceness that motivates me to fight to get up in the morning and be with them. My love for them seems to be greater than I would have ever known if I hadn't had to work against this resistance.
Also I know that what I'm doing right now, bringing this baby into our family is exactly what Heavenly Father wants for our family. I know that Dan and I want a baby, but if it weren't for how hard this one has been I don't think I would have had to have such faith in this choice. I know with the very core of who I am that this baby will forever be a blessing to everyone in our family. I, obviously, don't know how things are going to turn out, but I do know that our choice has been a good one.
With this choice I know that I will get help from Heavenly Father. I know that as I strive to work toward this goal, whether I meet it or not, my efforts will be added on. I know that Dan will be blessed in his work and at home in his capacities as well.
We are doing what we need to do right now and that feels really good.
Even if everything else doesn't.
3 comments:
We are so blessed to have you a part of our family. Thanks for the warmth in my heart.
Grandpa John
Now you know how I feel about you.
It's a bit harder with #3 only because the other 2 usually don't nap at the same time so there is less time for you to rest. Also, as you discovered, the older one is more aware of what's going on. Hang in there - things do get better - it's just hard to remember that when you are still in the throwing-up stage.
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