This has been an amazing month of learning for me. Dan is doing what he loves. It is inspiring to see him light up in his quiet way about helping people. If I had to go to work and deal with people in their dark hours of hurt and pain it would be so very difficult for me. He told me of a mother who had a baby whose hand never developed. It just stopped growing at the wrist. She had no idea until the baby was born. All I can think of is how life changing that would be in an instant. My heart goes out to her and all I can think of is to help ease the hurt by feeling some of it myself. How I would make a totally burnt out doctor by feeling all the pain my patients' have is not lost on me. He is thinking of easing the hurt by actually trying to fix the situation. (In that case there is probably not a whole lot to be done, by the way. I guess that was a bad example, but I keep thinking about it.)
What has been hard, especially this month, is being at home. I am so grateful for a husband who loves what he does and is really helping people, but it is hard to be alone. It is hard to have gone from a whole community of women who are "in this together" to being the outsider again and being pregnant and being in need of help without knowing who to ask. I know I will find my community or even if it's just my particular friends, I know it will happen. What is hard is this gap period. This period where I feel like I need Dan more than ever, and yet, I know he has less now for me than before.
And it extends beyond me. It's hard to see in my kids' eyes that they miss Dad. The hardest questions to answer are, "When will there be no more sick people?" and "If the mailman gets to not work on Sunday, then why does Daddy have to?" and "Daddy play trains with me now?" I try my best to explain how incredibly proud I am of Daddy and important his work is, but how do you help a four and two year old understand?
Don't misunderstand me. I am very well aware of the sacrifices that Daniel makes specifically on my behalf. I know he thinks of me and instead of taking a day to rest he will spend the day driving up to St. Paul to take us all to the zoo. He works hard and fast and tries his best to make it home as often as possible.
I hear that marriage is hard and it takes work, but what I don't think I understood before is that life is hard and if I don't pay attention to my ultimate goals of happy marriage and successful family relations I will fail. I had been getting frustrated that I wasn't getting all the attention and human connections that I wanted. I wanted Dan to call or talk or just be around more. I think I was wanting him to replace all the girlfriends I lost when we moved. Then one day I was given the gift of insight.
What I wanted, the attention, the calls, the connection, wasn't unreasonable. I wasn't being foolish to want friendly connections with others and my children to have more from their father. What those feelings were though were unrealistic. We are where we are and he is doing absolutely all he can do. Continuing to dwell there would only lead to further unhappiness in the whole family. Having that insight made it possible for me to be ever so much more grateful for my husband. I can see so many more positives.
What I am also learning about myself is that it is easy for me to say that I rely on the arm of the Lord and not on the "arm of man" when there are a lot of people around to support me. When I am truly feeling alone it is much harder for me to rely on the Lord. I am trying. Everything seems to be getting better as I try that.
At the end of they day I learned to be more grateful and to show that gratitude to my children. Gratitude brings happiness.
2 comments:
the hardest part for me is the huge divide that i feel between our home and the hospital. i know that his "real life" is here with us, but it's hard to remember that when he spends all day everyday at the hospital. i cant really connect with "Scott the Dr" and it kills me. im not bothered by the gone all the time thing - what bothers me is that he's gone all the time and i cant connect to that side of him. i dont know if that makes any sense or not, but it's what im feeling.
it's not like with school where it's a familiar setting and routine. he's always been a student or student/doc. but never just a doctor. i have no business inside the operating room, nor do i want to be in there. but it feels like it's a giant vacuum. a giant vacuum i hate.
i hope this doesn't sound to stalkerish but i met you several years ago on a trip to moab with our sisters that went to BYU together. my husband is now in his 2nd year of ortho residency at Vanderbilt and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone! feel free to check out my blog if you want to see how we try and handle residency. its not pretty sometimes. my blog is mightybex.blogspot.com I hope i don't scare you by commenting i just went through the same emotions last year when we moved here and know how it feels!
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