Remedial Motherhood 101

Just in case this happens to you and you are dumb enough to think it's a good idea, here's how my day went.

First go grocery shopping with both kids knowing that it's going to take a looooong time because you are stocking up. And getting post delivery supplies. On the one hand, it has to be done. On the other, you really should know better than to do it with both children. This is probably why you are in remedial motherhood.

This, as every mother can tell you, will end in disaster.

The one and only funny part of the whole thing is when the lady ringing you up asks if you want a gift receipt for the newborn size diapers. Honest enough mistake I guess, but wait, at 36 weeks you look ready to go at any minute. Side story: While I was on vacation in Washington I went with my parents to Cabela's. While in the shoe department baby Lee gave a particularly strong kick right into my side. I gasped from the strength of it just as a worker was coming around the corner. He thought we were for sure going to have a baby right then and there in the department. I kind of like making complete strangers nervous.

Back to grocery shopping from Hell. Because you can't think past the red colors that seem to have risen behind your eyes and beating your children, you should probably call your mom. Minus points for lack of creativity, positive points for avoiding beating your children. She will tell you to distance yourself from the kids until you have calmed down.

Your solution: make the children sit on time out with their noses in separate corners for the entire time it takes to unload the $200 worth of groceries and put it all away. And maybe clean out the minivan and move it to the driveway, but they wont know the difference.

Then at lunch your daughter brings up helping you paint your bedroom. In a fit of nesting, you decided last Saturday (while Dan was home to spread the parenting duties) to paint it, but then forgot you didn't have a paint try. Of the millions of big and small home improvement supplies you moved from your last place, you neglected to move even a single paint tray. You moved about twenty paint keys, but not a single paint try. Now that you have it you are poised for action. You might be feeling a little bad about how you handled the grocery store and a strong urge to get this done today (because you are your mother's daughter and that's how things work in our brains).

You decide that it would be OK to have both children help you paint. They are so eager and so excited when you say OK that you think maybe this is a good thing after all.

YOU ARE WRONG. This is another reason why you are in the remedial course. Even when you have taped off every possible surface. Even when you have spread plastic drop cloths over all the floor you will be working on. Even if everyone is eager to get this job done. It is still a bad idea.

Did you know that a four year old can in fact use a paint key flawlessly? Yeah, neither did I. Also, a two year old can use nothing related to paint flawlessly? Also, when said two year old steps in paint he forgets the one and only rule you gave him (stay on the plastic) and immediately runs toward the carpet to wipe off his foot?

It does not matter how hard and fast you work. They out number you and are also working with a vigor reserved for the truly carefree creative spirit, unconcerned with trivial things like even coverage.

In the end you decide that it's "quiet time." Child number one takes off the paint clothing and heads to watch TV in the basement. Child number two takes a nap. You end up working as hard and as fast as possible to smooth out the paint before it dries.

So although this is a bad idea that you should never, ever repeat, there were some positives. First off, your kids absolutely loved it. They were so proud to show Daddy what they did when he got home. Secondly, you worked up a sweat. Exercise can be checked off for today! Thirdly, at least you recovered your sanity before irreparable damage was done. Fourthly, it was kind of awesome to see the look on your husband's face when he realized that there was a home improvement project that got done and he had absolutely nothing to do with it. And fifthly, because he had nothing to do with it you were able to throw the rollers in the trash can outside instead of washing them out like you hate doing. Shhh...he'll never know.

*Editorial note* about the paint. When we went on Saturday I found out that Daniel only really prefers working with neutral colors. Not only that he really prefers neutral browns. Except in bathrooms where he thinks they should be some form of aqua. The super expensive tiles that we got a screaming deal on are neither brown nor aqua. Having convinced him to just go with the stinking grey already (as it matches the tile in the bath) he went to find a gallon of paint for the guy to mix. He got mad because he could only find paint + primer. We have tried paint + primer and do not like the results. If you like them kuddos to you, but we did not. I told him that the guy probably knows what to get and just give him the paint sample already because standing in The Home Depot makes my back hurt. He did as I somewhat less than nicely had requested. When we got home he noticed that the guy had gone back and found the zero VOC type of paint (read: more expensive). Baby in utero: healthy. Husband in bedroom: beheaded. He was so angry it exploded.