Is It Just Me?

The end of this pregnancy has been such a drastic change from the first that I'm wondering if this happens often. I remember (which, probably has been dimmed or changed with the passage of time) being so excited for Charlotte to come out I couldn't hardly wait. I was counting down the days and trying my best to just enjoy the moments as they happened. I never once had sleep issues during that pregnancy (thanks to a half pill of unisom before bed for nausea every night). I never really had heartburn issues. But mostly, I didn't stress about being prepared for the baby to come.

This time I feel like I am dragging myself through the day every day, just trying my best to make it to bed time when I can relax. Then bed time comes and my mind just swirls with words and thoughts that want to come out. In fact right now it's almost midnight and I had to get out of bed to get these ideas out because I wasn't getting to sleep.

Sleep, oh I want sleep. I know full well the sleeplessness that is to come, but I already feel like I'm being somewhat tested in that area. I wake up 3-4 times each night because my back hurts and my bladder is full. Yes, I know there's a difference between getting yourself up to pee and getting yourself up to nurse. But getting yourself up to stretch out all your major muscle groups so that laying horizontal isn't painful isn't all that easy to do either. Also, Charlotte wakes herself up on a semi-regular basis in the middle of the night and we have to escort her back into her bedroom. Again, you don't really have to be fully alert for that, but when I do wake up my mind starts working again. And I start thinking about pediatricians, and obstetricians, and car seats, and breast pumps, and playdates and hospital visits.

Another difference this time around is that I'm more than content to wait all the way through my due date and then a few days. Dan's last final is the day before I'm due. Wouldn't it be nice to have a few days decompression before the next big thing happens? It sounds selfish to admit, but I would love to have some time with Daniel completely, mentally home with us. I know now that babies change everything and I'm wondering if and how baby #2 will change the dynamic between my husband and myself.

Not only that, I keep looking at Charlotte and thinking how much I love her and how anxious I am for her not to feel hurt or sad when the baby comes. My mom recently sent her 8 new books which she is in love with and asks to be read to all the time. I feel like I will have to be saying no to some of her requests soon so can't say no to her now so I will sit and take the 40 minutes or so to read them all to her two to three times everyday since they arrived. I'm hoping that I'm storing up some extra love in her now so that when the baby comes her reserves wont be too depleted. I'm not even sure if it works that way, but I just don't want her to feel less love. One end result of this is that my house, which I feel I should be getting clean and organized now while I can, is messier than it has been in months. I try to not worry about that though because honestly, my daughter knowing that her mom loves her and prefers to spend time with her is way more important to me.

Which is another thing. Man do I love that little girl! I'm so in love with everything about her. She is so beautiful and so amazing. She is so smart and funny. She has so many abilities that open themselves up to me every day. Part of me wonders how I could ever love this next one as much. I know everyone says that you do, but honestly, babies don't tell you that they love you back. They don't give you sloppy milk kisses. They don't touch noses or squeeze you in a hug. They just need you. They need you all the time you have to be there for them always.

None of this is to say that I'm not thrilled to be having Baby Greg. I love him already. I know I do. I love to feel his slow movements around inside me. I love to watch my stretched tight stomach change shape as he sticks a little body parts out. I do want him here with me-with us. I have delighted in washing and sorting all his tiny little clothes. Part of me is counting down the days. This time it's just...different.