It has occurd to me that I haven't mentioned very much about the whole medical school experience in a while. This is mostly because medical school is just so big and I don't really know what to say. Most days I think that it's no big deal. Most days it seems like any other job any other husband would have. Leaves in the morning, gets back in the evening. Mostly all I know about the whole experience is that he's either at home or he's not. I know you're all really surprised that my husband isn't much of a talker about this!
Sometimes though it's hard, very hard. My experience with medical school has been a lot like my experience in marriage. (I've only had two and a half years under my belt on the marriage thing and 7 months of med school so I'm no expert on either. That doesn't stop me from having opinions though.) When I first got married and people told me that marriage was work and that you had to work at your marriage to make it successful I always said ok, but I don't think I really understood. Being married to my husband has been one of the most wonderful blessings of my life, but it hasn't been the easiest thing I've ever done. I didn't understand the ways in which marriage could be hard until I encountered them. I never knew the minutae of life with this wonderful man and then our beautiful daughter that could stretch me to what I thought was my capacity and sometimes beyond. I know now better than I did before the hard work that is quietly done by each member of the union that make for successful and happy marriages. And just like with anything else you haven't mastered it until it seems effortless. I also know that future stretching will take place and that it wont be easy. It will be worth it if we are a success at it though.
Medical school is the same. When I told people I was marrying a man that wanted to be a doctor I always heard the sentiment that it was hard for people that had done it before. I agreed, it would be hard. I didn't understand the challenges that would face us. Some of them are not unique to medical school. Some of them all couples face. And some of them are unique to medical school. They're never huge obstacles that I feel I need to hurdle. Mostly it is the minutae and logistics of our life now that stretch me a little bit more each time I encounter them.
What I also didn't understand about either experience going into it was the wonderful blessings that have come out of both. When I have been stretched beyond what I thought was my capacity I discovered new facets to my spirit I never knew existed. I also discovered new things about my partner in this journey. The trick is to make sure that we're going forward together. That is my ultimate goal.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
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3 comments:
It's so clear that you both have your heads on straight and the great degree to which you love one another.
Thank you for posting this today. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year this week... and he has yet to tell me that he loves me. Yet, he treats me like he loves me.
From what I understand, he equates LOVE with "...and I'm ready to marry you." He wants to be sure that he'll never get divorced and I told him that you just can't store that up on the front end. It's the work IN the marriage that determines if the marriage can last.
Anyway, thanks for writing about being stretched and challenged. It gives me a good perspective on what I think I can get into with this great man of mine.
As the wife of a medical resident, I can empathize. There are some challenges that you'll see way before they hit you. When those waves come, you will be ready with your feet firmly planted and your face into the wind. There will be other, more subtle things that will throw you for a loop because you didn't see them coming.
When your man comes home at the end of his first "code" and tells you he did CPR or established an IV & that he helped save a life, a little piece of you will burst with the best kind of pride in his accomplishment--and yours, because you are making this possible for him. When he comes home after his first patient death and can't shake the cloud of helplessness, you will ache with him. There will be times that he chooses the patients or the learning opportunities over you and the baby. Expect those times and know when to gently call him on it and when to let it slide. (You'll know when you get there.) From your posts, your hubby seems like a down-to-earth guy, but there may be an occasional, unexpected glimpse of ego as his schooling goes on. These years of training are tough, and many get weeded out--it seemed that second year of med school and the first year of residency were especially rigorous. The best advice I can give is to play hard in between all the working hard, and try to maximize your family time. My dates with my husband are infrequent but precious. (I think you know the feeling.) If you can swing it with the small one, try to go see him on his call nights. Grab some takeout, or pack up sandwiches and meet him at the hospital for a quick family dinner. (One of my best purchases ever was an insulated picnic basket with plates and flatware--it gets a lot of mileage during on-call months.)
You two seem to be building an excellent foundation. Remember to feed yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that you have a reserve for those times that you need it. And take great satisfaction in knowing that you are helping build a healer.
Always remember you are his and he is yours.
You and your sister's pictures are on my desk and so I get to see you everyday and that makes it all worth it.
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